​The Hardest Year of My Life

Most times we never see the event coming that will change our lives forever. In one instance, we become different people. Sometimes we don't recognize the significance of a moment until years later. My one moment occurred during an icy winter just over a decade ago. I was carrying water to the outside animals in a large canning pot. I slipped in the ice and fell hard. I landed in a sitting position, still holding the pot because I didn't want to spill the water. My husband asked, "Are you alright?" I shakily replied, "I don't know." I would usually reply, I'm fine, and laugh in embarrassment. I wasn't in immediate pain, but it didn't feel right. 

Driving combine cutting wheat!

It took a while for the pain to set in. I thought I would be fine with some rest and ibuprofen. I probably waited a month before I seen a doctor, and by then I was a mess. I couldn't lift a pot of coffee with my right hand anymore. I couldn't sit, stand, or walk without pain. I could only lay on my left side somewhat comfortably. I was uncomfortable driving, or even riding. I started to use my left hand for almost all tasks. I had stabbing pains throughout my lower back and down my leg. My shoulder hurt and pain shot down my arm. The middle of my back felt like I was being stabbed. I had to ask the doctor for a medical withdrawal note, because I was failing my college classes. I hurt too much to read and understand the material. I hurt too much to sit at a keyboard and type. I was in tears explaining this to the doctor. He prescribed antidepressants and said I was overly stressed. He said my middle back pain was from ulcers resulting from ibuprofen use. He said my hand pain and loss of strength was carpal tunnel and provided me a brace. He said everything else would be fine in time and gave me muscle relaxers and vicodin. I was in so much pain, I didn't question him. I didn't push for Xrays or tests. 

Out weeding, checking equipment

The problem was it never got better. The prescriptions did little in the way of relief and nothing for improvement of quality of life. I couldn't push a shopping cart or pick up groceries to put in the cart. I had to have the help of my kids for almost every household chore. I hurt so bad and felt utterly worthless. I cried and I prayed and I cried some more. The doctor never seemed concerned that I was still asking for pain meds 3 months, 6 months, even a year later. He said I would just have to learn to live with the pain.  I didn't know if I could. It felt like my life was over.  I was only 35, and I had nothing but pain and misery.



Someone finally suggested a chiropractor. I was extremely reluctant, but even more desperate. It worked for me. After the first visit, I finally had some relief from the pain. It took frequent visits to the chiropractor to regain function, but I still struggled with the pain. He ordered Xrays to see what was going on with my spine, and he discovered a compression fracture in the middle of my back.  I am sure that was only part of the medical issues resulting from that fall. That was the proof that made me realize, it wasn't all just in my head. I wasn't just stressed.  

Living the Dream of Big Tractors, Hard Work, and Long Hours!

Recovery was long and hard, and every journey like that develops us as a person.  I learned its ok to ask for help. I don't have to do it all myself. I also learned to advocate for myself. It's not okay to have you pain ignored. More importantly, I learned to appreciate everything. I still hurt, but I have regained my strength and ability.  I work hard and play hard, because in one moment everything can change. Hard work is a blessing when you thought you would never be able to work again. I graduated college. I started working on the farm. Some days I come home tired and hurting, but I am still so grateful. Everything is an achievement to me! I'm not bedridden, and I have so much to look forward to. The motto of my TractorJen page is "living the dream of big tractors, hard work, and long hours," I really mean it. When I was writing this post, I wasn't sure what pictures to include. So much of this story is about pain, but I really want this to be about triumph. Being able to do everything I can now is such a blessing, and I will never forget it. 

The Tsnownami and How I Almost Got Stuck in my Chicken House

This winter has had some snow and wind, resulting in a tsnownami of a snow drift covering my chicken house. It was over ten feet tall and a hundred feet in length. There was an area I could still dig my way in, but the drifts kept getting bigger. One day it was 10 degrees, snowing and blowing. There was over a foot of new snow on top of the hard drift, but I needed to take care of my chickens.


This was taken a day after Randy plowed out my drift. It drifted back in a bit over night, but I could shovel it out.

I knew I couldn't dig all the way through. I was sinking in past my knees with each step, so I ended up crawling to the top of the drift and carved steps down into the chicken house. I cleaned out in front of the door and squeezed myself in. I fed and watered, and collected one egg. The snow was collecting at the base of the door and it was even harder to squeeze my way out. Then I started to climb out, but I kept slipping. The steps were full of new snow and I couldn't get any traction. When I was standing inside the chicken house, the drift was over four feet tall and nearly vertical. I had left the shovel outside.


View from inside the chicken house looking out. Again, this is after plowing.

I finally just threw myself as high as I could onto the drift and started wallowing around until I got to the top. By then I am exhausted, and the drift was so difficult to climb up earlier, so I just decided to roll over and over to the bottom. I am relieved to have made it out of there, but then remembered I had an egg, in my pocket. Which somehow, miraculously, did not end up scrambled. I asked my husband that night to dig out the drift with the tractor, which he thankfully did the next day. I can't wait for this winter to end!

My husband fails at Valentines Day

We've been married 27 years now and I have come to accept that my husband Randy will always fail at Valentines Day. He kind of sucks on birthdays and anniversaries too. He will march right by the aisles full of hearts, bears, roses, and balloons.  He will turn a deaf ear to every diamond store commercial. He won't make any complicated romantic dates. February 14th will arrive, he will look surprised,  turn toward me, and say, "Happy Valentines day! Love you!" That is the extent of his romantic plans. You know what? I'm okay with that. In every other way, he is a good husband and father. He is loyal and dedicated to his family. He just doesn't show his love in the way society thinks is romantic.

Randy and I climbed to the top of Beacon rock this year!

Let's change the idea of what is romantic. To me, romantic is the small things. I love that Randy will take me to see the buttercups blooming, or bring home an interesting rock because he knows I would like it. Romantic is library and lunch dates, like the ones when we were first married. It is road trips together, even if it's just to get parts. It is combine rides and watching the sun go down. It's holding hands and taking walks. Romantic is also the big stuff, like supporting my dreams even when it's hard. When I was working towards my degree, there were a lot of late nights and several times I wanted to quit. Randy always told me, "this is important, don't give up." I think his never ending love and devotion is better than diamonds, chocolates, or giant teddy bears.

I Couldn't Understand the Sacrifice

When we were newly married, we moved out to the farm. It was a big move in many ways. Physically, I left behind family and friends to move out to the middle of nowhere. It was a bigger move emotionally and culturally. All my life I had lived in cities where 40-hour weeks and paid vacations were the norm. The closest I had been to a farm was watching Green Acres on tv.

My new husband had explained to me, "It will be long hours and sacrifice."
I nodded my head like I understood.

Only another farm wife can understand when I say he was gone, a lot. He would leave in the morning before the sun came up and come home after it went down. He would work through lunch, and many times through dinner too. I would keep something warm for him and worry. It seemed like never ending days of him coming home just long enough to eat, shower, and sleep.  I brought out lunches, just so I could see him.  I would jump at a chance to bring him parts, or bring him a bottle of water, because he was never home. I would ask him, "What are you doing?" He would reply, "Just working".

I supported him, but I didn't understand.

He would bundle up and go to work, even when a blizzard raged outside. The roads were barely visible and the weather was so cold. "Why do you risk yourself? Stay home!" I pleaded. He would just reply, "It needs to be done." He would leave with a shovel in his pickup, so he could dig himself out when he got stuck in the deep snow. Somehow, he made it to work and back home, and he would be chilled and tired. Sometimes, sadness would droop his shoulders, and I would find out an animal was sick or a calf died.

I comforted him, but I didn't understand.

He worked weekends and holidays. He missed birthdays, school events, and sometimes it seemed whole summers. I would let the kids stay up late just so they could throw their arms around him and wish him a goodnight.  I know he was exhausted, but he always would talk and play with the kids in the brief moments between work and sleep.

I loved him, but I still couldn't understand.

What I couldn’t understand was the sacrifice. How he could sacrifice years of our marriage, and watching his children grow up? I couldn’t understand how he could sacrifice his own time, his body, and his life with us for ‘just working’. Any vacations we took had to be planned around seeding and harvesting and the needs of the cows. His time with the kids was spent in brief moments and punctuated by his exhaustion. This wasn't a tv sitcom with canned laughter in the background.

I pretended that I understood, but I couldn’t.

Over the years, my children grew up and moved out. My helping out changed to working for the farm. The fields would need weeded, and I didn't think twice about giving up my weekend. If the weeds got out of control, the field would suffer for years. I might work through lunch or come home late, because I just wanted a few more rounds done.

I started to understand.

I would help with the cows in the winter, after they were brought in from pasture. I was there when young heifers struggled to deliver their first calf. I was there when it was born too early and just couldn't make it. I helped to bottle feed calves that were too weak and sick, and sometimes they didn't make it either.

Suddenly, I understood the sacrifice. I understood that in the worst weather, the animals needed us the most. I understood that the worst days for me, were bad days for the farm too. I’ve seen crops that were flattened by storms, and I understood the drive to bring in the crops before the rains. I’ve lived the heartache of replanting every acre and still not sure if there would be a crop.

I finally, truly understood the need to do things right, because this isn't just a job. It's not 40 hours a week. I finally understood that the work you put into a farm is what you get out of it. I understood what it meant to work hard to support your family waiting at home. I understood how hard it was to do another round, knowing it would delay being with everyone I love and care about. I understood the need to finish the field.

Now when my kids call me and ask what I’m doing, I reply, “Just working”.
I think they understand. This is real life. Life isn't easy, but it is worth it.

I Don't make New Years Resolutions, I make Adventure Goals!

New years resolutions never work. If it was important enough to do, you wouldn't wait until a new year to promise to do it. I make New Year's adventure goals. My goals are things on my bucket list or something I want to learn. Here are my top 5 Adventure goals for this year.


 5.  Add Instagram to my growing social media presence. My TractorJen facebook page is agriculture centered, but I want to share a wider variety of my photography. I suppose Instagram and social media don't sound like adventures, but they are to me. ;)

La Push, Washington 

 4.  Use my Gopro to take more interesting pictures. I received a case and mounts for my Gopro for Christmas and I have some creative ideas for videos. I thrive on thinking outside the box.

I wore my Gopro chest mount as we toured the underground
missile launch control center in Coopertown, ND

 3.  Astrophotography- I love the dark skies we have here and I want to get some milky way pictures. Night photography is more involved than point and shoot, so there are lots of learning opportunities.

Picture of Jupiter through my telescope

 2.  Watch the solar eclipse- Aug 21 has a total solar eclipse crossing the United states.  Washington is not one of the total ecipse states, but I am hoping for good enough weather to see at least a partial eclipse. Maybe a day trip to the John Day fossil beds to record a full eclipse is possible, but unlikely. I am ordering my solar glasses and filters now!

 1.  Travel- We love to travel and I have devoted a wall in my house to document our adventures. This year we hope to drive down to Arizona and visit the Titan Missile museum and see a real Saguaro cactus. We also have several other shorter trips in the works. Most trips involve a museum and photgraphy. :)

There is some blank spaces on my wall!

I am a Farm Hand on a Corporate Farm

My husband and I both work for a corporate farm. This farm uses modern technology, has great big tractors, and has to be carefully managed to ensure financial success. That is only part of the story though. The Adams farm was established in 1897 when Davids Adams' parents, grandparents and uncles all homesteaded land in Eastern Washington state. David was born on the homestead in 1922.

David Adams with his older bother Clarence and his sister Vera

Dryland wheat farming was a struggle and they had to clear sagebrush and rocks, plant wheat and hope there was enough rain to get a crop. There were some lean years, and I often heard stories of how hard his family worked to get by. David passed away in 2014, and everyone misses his presence on the farm.

Adams harvest 1959

Davids' mother Ruth setting up harvest lunch in the field 1959 

Although this is a corporate farm, it still is a family farm and we feel part of the family. My husband has worked off and on for over forty years for the family. I moved here 25 years ago and have raised my family along side theirs. Our children went to the same schools and we celebrated the same milestones together. Just as plants put their roots deep into the soil, living on the farm has given me deeper roots to the land and the community.

Adams harvest 2008
David Adams drove combine until 2013

When I  farm, it's not about the money to me. It's about doing what's best for the land and the farm. I live here, I work here, and I love here. Farming has given me a long term perspective. What I do today can impact things for a long time. I work the ground now, but won't see a crop for two years.   The crop planted in September will be harvested in August the next year. Weeds allowed to grow today will spread seeds for years. I am responsible for the land. I will never own a farm, but I will always love farming.

Facts don't matter, only feelings matter

I have noticed on social media, that people have absolutely no interest in facts or even hearing both sides of the story. I am a middle of the road type person, and I know that there is always two sides to the story. Maybe it comes from being a mom. Ever had a kid running up to you in tears, "Mom! He hit me!" Should I punish the child that hit their bother without asking for the whole story? "Well she bit me first!" (Btw, I solved these fights by making them hug and say they loved each other!)

When I post a side of the story about GMOs  or the Dakota pipeline, I know it is only one side of a story. I am choosing to post the side that people aren't listening to, because it's not about the emotion. I have heard, "I don't care what the facts are, I FEEL these are bad."

So, are these things really bad. Not as much as they are portrayed. People say the evil seed companies control the farmer. Seed should be free. Reality is that farmers will buy the seed that helps them succeed. People say fossil fuels are poison and we have to eliminate our support for them. These are wonderful ideals. I ask, is it even possible? Are these people fossil fuel free? Are they ready to give up their comfy little lives to live fossil free right now? Reality is that right now, fossil fuels are important and providing infrastructure that is modern and safe is important.  I support alternative energy and being energy efficient, but realize change doesn't happen over night.

I love the Dakotas and their people. I support Native rights. I support the fight for clean water and decent homes. I support preserving their culture and honoring their past. I support their fight against poverty and drugs.

How many of the protesters that have come in the Standing rock protests will leave after the fight and not worry about these people again? They will leave to fight some other "windmill", because they are fighting evil and it makes them feel good. Meanwhile, people are left feeling angry and divided and the real problems have not been solved.

We all want the world to be a better place. My ideal is that we find some common ground instead of painting everything black and white. Are we really on opposite sides? Do we only look for what divides us, instead of what brings us together? Tearing people apart doesn't build anything. The one thing I love about the Standing Rock protest is that people are standing together.  I just wish it wasn't for an all or none issue.